I have fallen hard, made new Christian friends and have a new life ...
I was a product of sexual abuse as a child, it becomes a pattern, you don't realize it, but never the less it becomes a pattern.. I was molested from age 9 to 11, when I was beat up by my dad one evening while mom was a choir, she was always gone and as a child I remember staying out late rather than to face the home situation, well after that beating, dad went to jail until the court hearing, I thought two years was a little tough, but we were not allowed to even mention his name, two years later they transferred him to a mental hospital where he spent the next three years,
I spent all that time in therapy, which didn't do a whole lot of good when mom blamed me, but that’s another story..
I married at 17 to get away from the situation with my mom, and became dependant on my husband for everything, and when I wanted what he felt I didn't need, he became sexually abusive, making me do things that were horrid and painful and then afterward he was full of promises that he'd never do again, this went on for 19years 11months and 2weeks just as we were getting ready for a long awaited 20th anniversary and a second honeymoon, he brings his girl friend home, the divorced followed, she declared me dead the day after they were married and I have spent the next twenty years trying to get the kids back.
Six years ago I discovered through a conversation finally with my daughter that she too had been molested by her father, her father had her convinced that her first born was actually a daughter to her dad, not his grandchild, or so he had her believing.. It behooves me that anyone could brain wash a person like that but he has succeeded in just that..
Well less that a year after that divorce, I remarried, not ever being on my own, I looked for someone else to take care of me. He was the best, I thought and the first three years were very nice, except I began loosing my friends because they claimed they couldn't handle the abusive way he treated and talked to me, soon we were having problems with family not coming around, their saying the same thing. Then he was in an automobile accident -- after that things were really bad, and it was like I had to walk on eggs shells, never knowing when that proverbial time bomb was going to go off, I lived in fear of my life and decided that maybe if I got a job doing something we could both do, so that we could travel and do the things we enjoyed before his accident maybe we could get back to his just being verbal, I could overlook that. We had moved out of state, which was a disaster, 23 months later moved back to where our kids and friends were, and I started this new job. I traveled a lot, and figured that after I had paid my dues as a new driver, we could team and do this together..
Each time I got home, it's awful and I got to the point that I came home less and less.. each time I came home there was a knockdown drag out fight, and I got the rotten end of it, being thrown thru a glass door, thrown out of a moving car, pinned up against the kitchen door being choked, bruises in places I didn't know I could be bruised in, 98%percent kidney failure and a fight for y life brought me to the point that life is to precious and short to live in that kind of pain or fear..
I have talked about leaving, I just got up one day and left...Lost every thing, but that’s okay, its just stuff, and I figured, if I were dead, I wouldn't need it either.... What I lost most, and to this day I don't understand, Where my kids, and my grandchildren, they chose to stay with there real dad and there step dad (who had said from the very beginning of our friendship that the kids, his kids and our families were not a part of the package). I am the one to have done everything for and with me kids and his, and he is the one that got the kids, but I have to put that aside and do what I have to survive.. I moved to another state, and am trying to start over, I have a PPO out against my ex, and would not be afraid to put it into force to protect myself.. I have fallen hard, made new Christian friends and have a new life..
Live one day at a time, and pray to God for the things I need, have loved, and discovered that no matter how hard you love, if it isn't given back freely, its not worth your time and effort. You need to move on to where there is love, if only the love of our Lord. I depend on the Lord now and no man, and if another should enter my life it will be because he loves the Lord and is a Christian also.. If not, then I can learn to except the many lessons I have learned, mostly about myself, and that I'm not junk, and deserve more. I don't know what the Lord has planned for me, and I hold no anger against my dad, our either of my ex-husbands, to expect more, and to ask for more, isn't wrong. I am learning each day, that happiness is what you make of it, not what you have or who you're with, if you stay busy, you do think about the might have been or could have been, you can't bring back, or re-live the past and you can't worry about tomorrow, because it isn't here yet... Just take care of today and make it the best you can.
God Bless you and thank you for listening to my story, it helps me reaffirm that I'm okay- You're Okay!!! If that in itself can give just one lady the strength to move out of a bad time, for her sake and her kids, then it will all have been worth while.. Good Luck to you.
~~~56 USA, "Let go and let God in"
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