I Was Born in the Land of Betrayal and Truth
My father's parents were poverty and deception.
My mother's father and mother were beauty and religion.
Together they spawned two daughters.
I am beast with no voice
I have always lived in the house of pain.
My sibling is beauty, voice and brain
But of course she did not know this
For we lived in the land of betrayal and truth,
Denial and pain.
I have always wed power and control.
They arrived at my door in various disguises
Whatever the mask I still married the same.
Today the black tv box spoke
With it's beckoning orange and yellow flashes of color
The big white spiraling O'S
Dancing around the screen
Always made me feel less lonely
Somehow not so scared and way less alone.
You see, Oprah wasa coming on at four
And I could be spellbound
again
by her overwhelming
generosity of spirit
and kind heart.
From the self made prison of my bedroom
and behind closed doors
I could feel a part of someone else's world
again
having given up my own
for self survival
to someone else's cause so long ago.
Even through my copious tears O always managed to make me believe in the world of humans again. Although secretly I had always known she had been sent to earth by the angels to carry out their work. After all, O covered a lot of ground for just one woman. She had to have come from the ethereal planet rallipretac-butterfly the place where I'd sprung from.
Today the benevolent goddess shared secrets with a beautiful girl on the screen. Oh but how could that stunning girl with the magnificent cheekbones relate to me or me to her. There before me the suddenly small girl sat, in quiet grace with legs held together in ladylike perfection by the criss-cross straps on her very proper stiletto heels. Her pale mauve jacket and dark tailored skirt expressed her inner healing well.
I am alive and I want to be here now. This exotic princess with the caramel color skin and queen of the nile almond kohl-lined eyes overflowed with silent screaming tears. The river of tears branded her flawless skin. They were just enough to let me in to the pain that ate it's way outside. Her impossibly perfect toffee lips burned a hole inside my broken heart with their words.
It was as if the camera was turned inside out and her story poured it's meaning reaching out right through me. Her words unrehearsed but memorized from years of pain -permanent scars upon her heart, eternal scars upon my soul. I was unable to walk away froM the girl in television mirror that day. It didn't matter that she looked nothing like me on the outside or that our stories were vastly different and completely alike. Maybe her words would reveal the ever elusive passageway outside this unbearable house of pain. Was her story a message of healing light just for me?
NO, not just for me -unfortunately too many of us kept here on earth to suffer made it impossible for me to turn away.
Unrelenting shame and non-forgiveness of myself for poor choices made, were always in my heart. "Remember mistakes are not to be made, THEY WILL NOT BE TOLERATED" and "children should be seen and not heard" were the mantras etched forever in what was left of my uncertain brain.
All the king doctors and all the kings men could never put me back together again. They extolled the virtues of their newest pills and potions, they wrote their prescriptions, they touted their lotions.
They diagnosed new disorders with unabashed glee. Were they counting their cash or discovering the real me?
I was born in the land of betrayal and truth
My playmates were denial and shame
I wed power, control and those excited by blame.
I chose them with trust time and again.
I searched different paths to lead me away
from my daily menu of abuse with it's side of neglect,
Whichever road I traveled,
I was still the child
I could not protect.
star butterfly, 53, USA
next page