Journey of The Brave

   I lived with violence and mental mind games my whole life. I am 33 years old and have 3 beautiful children that I am blessed to be alive to still be with. I was with an abusive man on and off for 7 years and had two children with him. He punched me in the eye once on Christmas Eve for wrapping the children's presents wrong. He did not hit me in the face again. He punched my arm, raised his fist to my face or simply told me he hoped I would die or have a car accident. The children would miss me he claimed but he felt they would get over it within a month or two. This was in 1994 the year I left him for the last time. The reason I went back and forth so many times was because he would stalk me so much when I was on my own ~ I didn't feel as if my life were my own. I thought it would be easier to just go back and at least my children would have us together. I was in denial in the worst way. The last time I left he continued the stalking but I had a boyfriend whom I ended up marrying within only six months of moving out. He no longer stalked me but was abusive with his words, twisted with the children and moved on to his next victim.

The man I was married to I felt loved me and I honestly thought we had this blessed union. I was wrong. He was abusive verbally, a bit rough in the beginning physically when he was drunk or hung-over but I never had any bruises except those within my heart. We had a child together and the marriage continued on many twists and turns for 7 years. It was the longest 7 years of my life. I used to pray for my escape. Pray that God would free me someone, someway. The ironic thing is I didn't think I was abused. I simply thought I was married to a guy who was had the most cruel, cutting words of anyone I had ever encountered. His mother even would comment on how mean he could be and would find the things to say that he knew would hurt you the worst. He admitted girls he was friends with used to tell him how mean and nasty he was when he was drunk and basically didn't want to be around them. Now looking back he almost seemed 'proud' of this. He often made one girl cry. He said she was! a 'crybaby' though. She cried about everything. I now know he may have believed this but she was not a 'crybaby'~ he truly hurt her with his words to bring her to tears. Ironically this same title was earned by me during our marriage. I was the babbling crybaby. He would say something hurtful and then "Are ya gonna CRY now? Little baby? Crybaby?" he would talk in this belittling voice as if he was literally speaking to a baby. I bathed in the shame brought to my soul. I felt I was drowning in it. Sometimes I wished I could just drown, die. Then one day I told myself no matter what he said I would not cry. At least in front of him. Growing up I was used to hiding my pain so I was very good at pretending. I no longer was the crybaby but was given new titles: Moron, idiot, freak, whore I am sure I can think of more if I tried but the first two were used on me almost daily. He denies this but he can deny it forever. I have the truth as hard as it is to accept. He hit me in the head on more than one occasion. I can only think of it as I was like a fly he was trying to kill. He kept swatting at my head over and over, as I cowered in the fetal position covering my head as best I could. Begging him to stop. Begging him to tell me why he was hitting me. I don't even remember now if he spoke or just hit. He also pulled me by the hair more and threw me in our room and told me not to come out until I could be a 'good girl'. Still I did not think I was abused. I knew it was wrong to hit the ones you love, wrong to hit anyone. An abused wife though? How on earth could I tell anyone that? I do remember after one of the times he hit me in the head if he ever did that again I would call the police. He just scoffed at my words. Thinking I am sure I was too stupid to do such a thing as call for help.

On April 10,2003 he went into a phychotic mania (he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1994 and was not on meds) and believed I was a witch casting spells on him. He held me hostage for nearly 6 hours, interrogated me with a large black flashlight which he also used as a weapon, had a knife in his pocket which he lay by our bed during the sexual assault, he beat me, fractured my nose, bruised my skull, and performed an exorcism after he sexually assaulted me. He maintained for months 'husbands can't rape wives', he didn't rape me as I said 'yes'. I was naked, bleeding,had been told for hours to do as I was told or I would be killed so I didn't think I truly had a choice of yes or no. By law, my saying 'yes' was under duress and he was still charged with sexual assault. He pleaded 'not criminally responsible by reason of mental disorder'. He has been in a forensic unit of a psychiatric hospital (it is lock-down facility) since it happened. Within a few months, he was going to! movies and camping supervised with staff. Within 11 months he was working for his father and now drives back and forth each day to the hospital unsupervised. He has evening passes until 10pm and his weekends are also free to do as he wishes unsupervised from 10am to 10 pm. Since he was not considered legally 'sane 'when he hurt me, his violent manipulative personality is not dealt with. The only thing they work on is his bipolar disorder and trying to make him see he needs to accept his illness and take medication and then send him out to live his life on his own. No longer sleeping at the hospital. He is an excellent actor. He has to drive nearly an hour each day to work and has not missed a day. He refused to work more often then not when he was on meds when we were first married and his work record in the whole time we were together never was how it is now. Now though he knows if he does not do as he is told he will not get out of the hospital. It wasn't good enough incentive to work for his wife and children previously though. They have to ld me his is highly intelligent and manipulative which explains a lot. His parents feel the hospital doctors, etc are harsh on him. He will most likely be free soon though. He will never have to address his violence, his abusiveness ever unless he hurts someone else when he is quote 'sane' end quote. I was diagnosed with PTSD with depression. I did yoga to stop the flashbacks that came like great waves out of nowhere all the time. I still jump when you say my name. I still jump when you come up behind me and I don't know you are there. I am still afraid of the night. I am getting better mind you, a million times better than I was. It all takes time. I will not let this break me. It saddens me that I had no voice because he had a mental psychosis at the time But this wasn't an isolated assault. No one knew about the others times and even when I asked the hospital if as the victim I had a say in anything I don't. It does not matter if he had beaten me severely in the past. All the justice system cares about is that he was mentally ill at the time he wanted me dead. they don't look at the past. just one night.

I was a silent ABUSED woman for too long. I now want to make a difference. I want to help others get out. I wish we could change laws. I wish, I wish, I wish... I am no longer silent and speak whenever I can and I will keep on speaking on these issues until I die. When someone asks the question...'WHY DOESN'T SHE JUST LEAVE?' We should be responding with this...'WHY IS HE HURTING HER? WHY IS SHE BEING ABUSED? SHE IS NOT THE ONE TO BLAME'.

~~~ 33, Canada, "Woman are as strong as a mountain, protective as a lion and as gentle as the summer breeze that blows your hair."

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